The Delusional List...

I felt the first wave of holiday blues this morning. Sobbed in between chores for a couple of hours. I'm better. I always am after a good cry. It helped me to journal what I was feeling after I talked to a friend on the phone about it. I miss my mom and my aunts that passed away the last year or two. I really do. But that turned out not to be the conclusion I came to. I'm frustrated and anxious because I'm just plain old tired. I do so much during the holidays .... mostly self-imposed expectations and with a bit of "what I think others expect me to do" cause I always have. I don't have the stamina and energy levels I had last year. For lack of a better word, I'm just pissed at this B12 thing. It keeps me drained tagging along with the Iron deficiency. I know I've gotta get a grip on reality and be selective of what I can realistically accomplish this season and still enjoy the holidays. I have other commitments outside of family activities as well during the month of December. What was I thinking? I know! I know! I'll do it all and love it all, as usual.

The JOY I'm looking forward to includes our extended family gathering, keeping Kell Bell for the weekend while her parents take a much needed mini-vacation, receiving our French exchange student for a two week visit (haven't seen her in nearly ten years!), Christmas baking and our family Christmas Eve Eve breakfast and gift exchange and Christmas Eve Communion. I know the anticipation combined with the anxiety of pulling off the perfect Christmas will be ever present on my shoulder throughout the holidays. Don't send me comments about remembering the 'reason for the season' either. I know the reason. If it weren't for my faith and the ever present Spirit of Christmas, I wouldn't make it thru. He made me. Martha just twisted me all up with the perfection thing.

I'm really missing being in my studio too. Haven't had an opportunity to paint in more than two weeks. That is my therapy. Maybe this weekend I'll catch an hour or two painting .... not cleaning. Oh my, that reminds me I have two commissions to do before Christmas. It never ends.