The Delusional List...

I felt the first wave of holiday blues this morning. Sobbed in between chores for a couple of hours. I'm better. I always am after a good cry. It helped me to journal what I was feeling after I talked to a friend on the phone about it. I miss my mom and my aunts that passed away the last year or two. I really do. But that turned out not to be the conclusion I came to. I'm frustrated and anxious because I'm just plain old tired. I do so much during the holidays .... mostly self-imposed expectations and with a bit of "what I think others expect me to do" cause I always have. I don't have the stamina and energy levels I had last year. For lack of a better word, I'm just pissed at this B12 thing. It keeps me drained tagging along with the Iron deficiency. I know I've gotta get a grip on reality and be selective of what I can realistically accomplish this season and still enjoy the holidays. I have other commitments outside of family activities as well during the month of December. What was I thinking? I know! I know! I'll do it all and love it all, as usual.

The JOY I'm looking forward to includes our extended family gathering, keeping Kell Bell for the weekend while her parents take a much needed mini-vacation, receiving our French exchange student for a two week visit (haven't seen her in nearly ten years!), Christmas baking and our family Christmas Eve Eve breakfast and gift exchange and Christmas Eve Communion. I know the anticipation combined with the anxiety of pulling off the perfect Christmas will be ever present on my shoulder throughout the holidays. Don't send me comments about remembering the 'reason for the season' either. I know the reason. If it weren't for my faith and the ever present Spirit of Christmas, I wouldn't make it thru. He made me. Martha just twisted me all up with the perfection thing.

I'm really missing being in my studio too. Haven't had an opportunity to paint in more than two weeks. That is my therapy. Maybe this weekend I'll catch an hour or two painting .... not cleaning. Oh my, that reminds me I have two commissions to do before Christmas. It never ends.

Re-Thinking the "Wouldn't Change a Thing" Thoughts

Often I have said "I wouldn't change a thing" about my past. I'd re-live every moment. Every moment of joy, pain, learning experience and lazy moments. These are, afterall, what made me who I am today and I'm fond of that woman. However, after reaching fifty this year and having experienced so much physical pain the last ten years or so ... moreso recently, I am re-visiting those thoughts.

The only thing I would do differently is take better care of myself. I'd make the time to take better care of myself. I'd use the knowledge I'd gained over the years relative to health. That said, I'm gonna try to make up for lost time.

Afterall, today is the first day of the rest of my life! Right?

I'm about to take a walk outside. The first in two years. The first since the right foot went south on me. The first since I began pain medication for my back. There is always a first. This is gonna be among many firsts to come. Today I also started an anti-inflammatory, low-carb eating style. Not gonna use the D word here!

My goals are not weight loss, per se. My goals are to minimize the medications my doctor predicts I will be taking along with the current Mobic and quarterly prednisone, not to mention his determination that neck surgery is in my near future. Anti-inflammatories are a daily companion now. Being kind to myself and resting my back and legs are paramount to enjoying life these days. Surely the anticipated side effect of weight loss will help that a little. But there's not a lot to do about herniated discs w/spinal cord involvment, nerve pain from B12 Pernicious anemia and it's fatigue, not to mention Iron Deficient anemia as well. And, of course, there is the hypothyroid and hiatal hernia and gallbladder issues that tag along.

I can't imagine eliminating sugar, processed foods, simple carbs and the other inflammatory foods (peppers, onions, potatoes, tomatoes and eggplant) aren't gonna help with some of this.

I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of love to give. I'll soon be chasing my granbaby girl as she toddles around. I'm enjoying my art business and all the friends and venues involved. I love family, my home and my garden and want to enjoy caring for all of these things without the dreaded pain.

Crossing my fingers and praying and breathing one day at a time! It's time to take a more active role in enabling my body to work at peak performance so I can continue taking life as it comes!

My turn to whine!

If that smile can't make me smile, nothing can! I need a daily does of Keller Bug Juice to keep me going these days. Currently dealing with both Iron Deficient Anemia and B12 Deficient Anemia. Not only does it make you bone tired...a tired even sleep doesn't relieve, but the B12 thing is causing some mild depression. I'm sure it won't last. Needless to say, those close to me know I've had a very emotional season. The busy-ness of my art business and the shows can be exhausting enough. From July til now, the end of October, we've experienced my mom's illness and death and the mother/daughter issues I've dealt with since. Mom died nine days after my first grandbaby was born. What a roller-coaster week of emotions running back and forth several times a day between two hospitals. That was followed closely by having to take my aunt to chemo twice a week, and a five day a week regimen on chemo/radiation starting next week. She has no other relatives in Mobile. After my mom's death, I was diagnosed with a blocked nerve in my foot, arthritis in my hands and neck, high blood pressure and B12 deficient anemia and also had my iron increased cause it was no longer enough to keep my levels up. Oh, God forbid I forget about pelvic prolapse. What a pain in the ....everything! Soon thereafter, my daughter wrecked her car and I started keeping Baby Keller (which is my current favorite thing to do) after Jen went back to work. Somewhere in all that my dog got gastoenteritis. What a joy that was. All that over a four month period. I feel out of balance. I have always said "just take it as it comes" but I'm beginning to feel like I'm standing in front of one of those pitching machines and it's shooting basketballs in my direction! Stress took its toll on me. Insomnia keeps me in a sleep deficit. I've beem fighting off sick-bugs for weeks. I'm fighting back though. I mustered up all the stamina I could to do the last couple of art events and I'm not taking on any shows this fall. I'm gonna meet the commitments I've made and try to relax and get my health back up to par and paint and kiss that grandbaby girl and love my family and my dog-sons and try to enjoy the holidays.

Oh, I can put on a happy face and say hurrah! That's what everyone wants to see. People ask "Are you okay" and I say I'm fine or just tired. "Everybody's tired" or "it could be worse" they say. So, for the most part I just say "I'm fine." Fine. I'm good. If I elaborate, I'm afraid I'll just cry, for heaven's sakes. I don't like feeling like that and I'm not gonna unload on someone else. Everybody has their own things to deal with .

God will see me through this season of my life. Gosh, I'm glad there were a few years scattered in there between Katrina flooding our home and the sudden loss of my great aunt, who was the heartbeat of our family. That still brings tears to my eyes. And still a multitude of unmentioned chaotic uprisings. But hey! Life goes on and everybody has one. The happy times, the laughter, the knowing smile from my husband keeps me afloat amidst all the sadness and tiredness and physical pain. It'll be okay.

While waiting on my aunt while she was in chemo a couple of months ago, a kind woman told me I looked tired. She asked if I was a caregiver. She said "Love your neighbor as yourself" means a lot. The "as yourself" part is what people miss. Take care of yourself first, she said. You're of little use to others if you don't. Timely wisdom.