Love deeply. Laugh. Cry. Talk to God. Be realistic about the to-do list. Stay in touch. Hug. Dream. Smile. Break Bread often with Family. Spend Time with your Girlfriends. Shop til you Drop! Extend Grace. Be Quick to Forgive and Slow to Anger. Walk. Breathe. Sing. Dance. Read. Eat Chocolate. Savor a Good Glass of Wine. Wiggle your Toes. Sleep well. Life is Good!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Take more Bubble Baths!

When God is about to reposition your life know that the devil will began to attack!

I heard that on the radio a few days ago. Made me wonder about all that's been going on in my life.....physically, emotionally, spiritually. Began to ponder. Not about the "attack" but about the "repositioning" part. Is it a repositioning of my role as a woman ... grandmother. My role as an artist, a wife, a mom. I don't know. For the last few years I have been spinning my wheels in the mud and muck of life as I know it. I know I have been blessed by God in this life and know he's not finished with me yet. I wish I knew what he was trying to get through my thick skull this past few years. One of my favorite scriptures is "Be still and know." Herein lies the rub. Being still and silent is next to impossible these days. Too much busy-ness and chatter in my world to hear anything else. Hmmmmm. Perhaps I'm telling myself something. Women always do and take care of everyone else first. I need some "me" time.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Going through the process . . .

So ... last night was a low in the grief process. The unanswered questions and the things gone unsaid. The mother-daughter relationship is a complicated one. I know my mom loved me. I'm told I should get over the past and move on. I'm moving on. I'm over the past. It's just ... there are things I wanted to ask. Things I wanted to say. And I often felt she did too. Instead, I just sat by her bedside holding her hand. Perhaps that bridged the gap. But there were some really deep-seated issues between us. I'm not one to dwell on the issues to the point of being incapacitated or depressed or angry. But...they are there nonetheless. The memories just spring up. These are not remembrances of teenage angst, but mostly things that happened during my adult life.

I suppose we all want to be validated for our efforts and to be acknowledge when we've been wounded. I suppose mom reaching for my hand often while she was ill, well, perhaps that was her silent way of doing that.

I bought a journal last night and will start writing in it. Questions to my mom. I can't blog about something so very personal so I'll just spill my heart on the pages of that journal. I remembered yesterday that for years I've done that in another journal when I am troubled about deeper things. It's kind of a prayer journal. A questions to God, if you will. Funny how quite often before I get to the end of a particular writing, I have an answer. An epiphany of sorts. But at least I've settled it in my heart and mind.

I am a woman. I am a human being with emotions. You don't just get over it. It takes time. Oh, I've gotten over zillions of things. But some things rock your soul and take a different process than just putting it behind you. So journaling it is.

Mom, if you're looking over my shoulder, just know I loved you with everything I have. I forgave you for what I felt were hateful jabs, jealousy, partiality and alienations of affection. Those were my adult perceptions. I know you misinterpreted my independence as not needing you. I knew you loved me. I guess I just needed to know you liked me too. I know as a mother myself, no mother is perfect. My girls have taught me that. Just know that through all the pain there was still joy. And you are a large part of who I am today. Thank you, mom. I heard your voice on the answering machine yesterday. I miss you.

Footnote: Ironically, after I completed this post, I sat down briefly to watch CBS Sunday Morning. There was an interview with Patti Davis speaking candidly about her relationship with her mom, Nancy Reagan. She spoke of feeling exiled by her mom; the silence during her adult years, and the reconciliation. She and Nancy spoke of mother/daughter conflicts. She, however, was defiant. I simply pretended all was well for the sake of harmony within our family. Oh sure I exploded a couple of times....not with my mom or siblings. Just vented to my dear husband about complicated issues as he comforted the tears and very subtly told me to get over it! I accept that cause we are wired differently and I know I am the one, the only one, who can work through it.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Feeling Inspired!

I finally saw Julie & Julia! It was great! Feeling inspired to do SOMETHING! Something consistent, unlike laundry, making tea, pulling weeds and drying my hair. Something new. Something I can be passionate about. I know. I really need to add something else to my inconsistent, unexpected, flexible with other peoples' schedules, life. I'll think of something.

I considered a while back joining the painting a day movement. But I painted so prolifically last year I don't know about that. Perhaps if I choose one subject or medium or idea it would be more a challenge. I would obviously run into problems during show times cause I couldn't do a show and paint too. I'm not much of a demonstrative painter. Still considering.

I also considered blogging (of course I would blog, silly) about a personal makeover but the very idea of posting numbers mortifies me. Maybe I'll come up with a secret code that only I will know. That kinda defeats the purpose. I know.

I could start a blog about .... nah. That would only interest me. I'd like to attract followers like Julie did in the movie. Duh. I already have followers on my blog.

Okay. First I need to understand WHY I want to do this. Maybe to prove to myself I can do something consistently and see it through to the end. Ah-hah. Perhaps that would cure my tendency to procrastinate. I suppose I should practice being consistent with my bookwork, posting, etc. necessary with my art business. And, scrapbooking. And, cleaning out my closet. And, the myriad of other projects I have. Hmmmmmmmm. That may be an idea. Get-R-Done. Oh, that's already taken. Diary of a Mad Housewife? Done already. Any suggestions?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Zippity doo dah!

Speaking of which.....I felt a little zip in my doo-dah today!!! LOL! Had a new piece of artwork framed for ArtWalk ---- which by-the-way is this Friday. ArtWalk downtown Mobile is every second Friday of each month....all year long! Spent morning at oncologist's office with aunt who was scheduled for chemo today. Her oncologist was my mom's too. Lots of nurses came out and spoke to me about mom. It was a low morning. But after getting away from there I got busy preparing for Artwalk. This will be my first "feature" event since I joined the gallery. I haven't been able to attend ArtWalk the last three months. Looking forward to it! The theme this month is "From a Child's Eye" whimsical in nature. Come out! Enjoy! Belly up to the oyster bar at Wentzell's afterwards!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

"Goliath" Projects ahead!

I need motivation! Desperately. Motivation to tackle a lot of, housecleaning, yard work, health issues, cook, .....the list goes on and on. Oh, and then there's a need for energy, as well. One without the other is worthless! Yesterday was productive! Let's see...I rocked and snuggled with Keller from around 9: yesterday til after 4:00. Friends from Twitter are complaining cause I've fallen off posting since Baby Keller came! : ) Oh! I did dig a hole for a tree! Brad and Vicki gave me a pretty maple to plant in memory of my mom. Wasn't that sweet! I planted it right outside my bedroom window. Can't wait to see what color it is in the fall. And....I hung up some clothes that have been stacked up from doing laundry the last week or so and then re-heated dinner from the night before. Really progressive day, eh?! Woo hoo!

ArtWalk is next Friday. I'm scramblin to get ready for it. The theme is "From a Child's Eye" Whimsical art! I've piddled with a few things over the last few months but never finished anything. Lost inspiration before putting the work away and moving on to other things. I got back in the studio this week.....I may have logged about three hours so's Thursday already. I did finish a watercolor! Another woo-hoo! The "Goliath" grouper above is a piece I may be bringing for ArtWalk. I think it measures roughly 4'x5' and is acrylic. Anybody have a large blank wall at a place on the beach that needs a punch of color and whimsy?!!!!

Now, I need to set a week aside to catch up ....scratch that.....just DO my posting and other bookwork business. Still trying to get the train back on track. I suppose motivation comes when you're faced with a deadline.....for me anyway. So, after the ArtWalk comes the Shrimp Festival in Gulf Shores. I have five pieces drawn and ready for paint. If I can ace those and get my packaged print inventory up, I'll be set. Just gotta get in the studio to get these things accomplished.

But for now ... I've gotta take Lindsay to the dentist and then to work. And then ... yep! I've got a pweshus grand daughter that misses her gramma. Twitter and facebook and all those other yadda yadda yadda things will have to least til the weekend.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Gettin the train back on track ...... Toot Toot!

Sometimes you've just gotta let a few things fall to the back burner. For me it has been my art business. And my yard. And my hair-cut appts! And my health. During my mom's illness this past year, especially the last three months, she had to be the priority so there was no painting, or posting or filing. No weed pulling. I've rescheduled my hair appointment five times! Amidst all this, Sammy, one of my "son" dogs got terribly sick too. We got him through that and he's well and joyful again. I've also been taking my 82 y/o aunt for chemo. She's doing great with it. I've been spending every possible minute when I'm not playing catch up or catch my breath....with my precious new grand daughter, Keller! She arrived less than one week before my mom passed away. She is filling the void with happier thoughts! Also trying to get a gallery pulled together at the glass shop. Giving lots of thought to doing a quarterly art newsletter but for now it's just the "thinkin" stage! I may just continue to send new "doodles" on my mailing list with brief updates about what's goin on in my world or just keep that up on this blog.

Lining up for shows this fall. I'm gonna do the Shrimp Festival! I had pulled out of it cause of my mom's illness and not knowing what phase we would be in. I was already dealing with guilt over missing Mother's Day cause of Art in the Park. She encouraged me to stay in the show .... although we both knew deep inside she wouldn't be with us next year. Now that guilt has reared it's ugly head again. I don't want to live my life with regrets and I know my mom loved me and bragged to everyone about my art. So now I've gotta get back on track and continue to make her proud!

As for myself...I had my first official panic attack at the hospital the afternoon before my mom died. It hit me like a lightnin' bolt. Now I'm taking a mild blood pressure med and increased iron and B12 shots cause all that has either shot up or bottomed out. And, when I feel the anxiety coming on I have a very low dose xanax at hand.....keeps much of the tearfulness at bay and I sleep much better with it cause all those sad well as to-do lists...seem to keep me awake. I need lots and lots of art therapy!

Spending this weekend trying to re-group and plan some new work....after I get some pieces finished for Second Friday Artwalk downtown Mobile at the Cathedral Square Gallery. I am a featured artist for the "From a Child's Eye" whimsical and fun artwork. Hope I can gather enough pieces for the event. Oh yeah! I'll just whip up a few things! But first I have to write/send out thank you cards and make a couple of cakes for birthday gifts and some other treats for all those friends who had my back this last few months! Love you all! t