It's terribly difficult to admit your shortcomings and failures. Over the last six to nine months, I've come to terms with too much on my plate and eliminated commitments, declined invitations, and dropped a good portion of the to-do list. Ahhh. Breathe. Just breathe.
I have grieved over a serious shortcoming. Perhaps more of a conviction. Over the last year I have been advised by my doctors to have shoulder surgery, have a hysterectomy/begin HRT, consider pain management for my back, and a host of other suggestions. I have made excuses, rescheduled, and justified my way around the issues .... to avoid the risks of invasive procedures.
More than once I've been told by girlfriends "I take hormones because I'd rather live a quality life for a short period of time than live a long life miserably". I've come to realize that my putting these things off isn't simply fear of complications or, the worst case scenario, not waking up from anesthesia. It's a lack of trust. A lack of trust. I'm pretty sure God sees thru my prayers when I tell Him 'Lord, I trust you to protect my family' and I trust you to keep us safe'. I've come to realize that this particular prayer is fear based. It used to bring me comfort, but of late I feel anxious.
I heard an old gospel hymn this morning. How Great Thou Art. I've trusted Him for years to lead to me to the most skilled, conscientious physicians to fix the ills of this earthly body. Yet, I haven't trusted Him when it comes to my reaching the end of what I can do and allowing those physicians to do what needs to be done.
Perhaps this fear is rooted deeply in my experience as a paralegal. I was constantly involved in medical cases, research, records and trials. Issues involving patient care. Perhaps it's rooted in (seemingly) unanswered prayer. I've prayed many, many times for healing of loved ones, only to see them leave this earth. I've prayed for strength, come what may. I've declared that 'My God doesn't take babies, nor is it His plan for His children to die at the hands of evil ... that free will happens, good or bad and brings bad things along with the good in our life'.
Last night a friend reminded me that we cannot understand these things and as long as we are here on earth we won't understand why bad things happen. We don't see the big picture. That's where faith comes in. That's where trust comes in. That's also where fear comes in. The faith of my childhood is still my faith. I suppose as we get older and experience more, we question more. We fear more.
I know to some my fear of simple surgical procedures may seem silly. Fear is fear. Regardless. These are small issues compared to what others are facing. I know that. There's always someone facing greater obstacles. The point is my fear has shown me that my trust .... my faith .... has been more in favor of my own decisions, my own capabilities, and not in that of my Creator. When I stop to 'consider all the world Thy hands have made' it does seem rather silly that I haven't been able to turn these things and their outcomes over to Him. It really is trust issue.
And then there's the other side. The side that doesn't want to inconvenience anyone with my recovery. I so just need to get over myself. That's another post entirely!
Put me on that prayer list of yours, please.
Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.