Journal Entry 2007 (un-edited) Where has the time gone?

December 2007

Another year has nearly passed. A year-long, albeit sporadic, journey to figure out myself…again. I read a while back how we spend the first half of our lives trying to create heaven on earth, and the second half trying to define what heaven is supposed to be. By heaven, I mean life as we know it now. ~ Women tend to have an illusion that they can create perfection. Our canvas is our homes, our families, our jobs, our relationships, and whoa! throw in a celebration with food and decorations and we‘re like a party planner on steroids. We struggle to prove ourselves instead of improving ourselves. In doing so, we lose balance. ~ I’m trying to spend more time just being quiet. Sometimes just a silent drive. Sometimes just quietly observing. I’m learning that there is truly strength in silence. Life moves at such a pace. How can we hear that still, small voice with all the chatter going on around us? I’ve spent the last few months trying to get a hold on my physical and spiritual health. I’m thinking that calorie restriction, solitude and restoration of some relationships, and letting go of others, are the order of the new year. ~ Also, I want to grow as an artist. To develop my skill, perhaps test the waters and begin a marketing adventure to see if it will remain a hobby or become a business of sorts. Do I want a business? Hmmm. I suppose “fame” is what everyone wants to some extent. To be known for their craft or talent or their particular contribution to this life or simply their contribution to their circle or friends. I don’t want to lose the relaxing aspect of my painting by making it demanding. ~ I’d also like to research the scriptures I was raised on. There are a lot of questions in my mind that need to be quieted. I suppose these questions have risen from relationships with people of different faiths and we all seem to sincerely think we are right, the only way. I know the Bible is widely interpreted. I want to take the scriptures and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart. ~ I want there to be no doubt in the hearts of my family and friends that I love them. I abhor conflict, mood-swings, stress that causes you to fly-off the handle - the effect of which is usually someone‘s heart closes to your message. I want to be an instrument of peace and restoration. My wish is that others can forgive any part I played in the past that contributed to their current sadness. I use the word current because that’s what it is if the memory still haunts you. It may have happened back then but if it still pricks your heart and mind, it’s current. Perhaps I got caught up in the moment and encouraged you or discouraged you and should have simply been observant and prayerful. ~ I lost a piece of myself this past year, yet I am realizing her presence daily. ~ If it makes any sense, I have spent this year and will for years to come piecing together the pieces of myself, like a jigsaw puzzle. My desire for myself is to walk through the second half of life a whole person, a woman with no doubts. Breathing deeper. Thinking clearer. More effective. More creative. Silently observant. Peaceful. Healthy. Joyful. Aware.